My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
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Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy