Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
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Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.