Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
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Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.