My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
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the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa