Fabio hasn’t aged a day
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Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
My beach vacation Google searches
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
12653.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.