23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
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Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was