Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
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welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
2 years later
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm