Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
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Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.