I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
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If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
This checks out
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Kentucky names the shit out of places
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
No, YOUR illiterate.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄