Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
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Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind