*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
put ‘er there pardner!
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
My blood type is b hungry.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Finally