My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
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Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.