why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
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[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t