I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
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“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.