*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
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A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*