“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
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Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I’m not proud
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦