Whoa 馃槀
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When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude 鉀勶笍
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Welcome to your 40s: here鈥檚 your ice pack.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
gen z: what鈥檚 the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you鈥檙e not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I don鈥檛 invite ppl in bc that鈥檚 how vampire dens come about.
I鈥檓 at the age where if people get pregnant I don鈥檛 know if it鈥檚 a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I鈥檝e been using special shampoo and I鈥檝e noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Me at 12: I can鈥檛 wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.