Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
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I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.