Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
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This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Tuesday
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.