people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
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*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Kids: Stay in school.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.