Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
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Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
meanwhile over on facebook
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does