[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
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My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.