84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I love it all
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.