The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
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I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
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You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af