The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
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Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.