you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
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You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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How to wake up a Beagle
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣