BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
You Might Also Like
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.