Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
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You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time