Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
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Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato