asking santa clause for nudes
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Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.