Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
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Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
When you’ve simply given up.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Finally, a door that understands me
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart