ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
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I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.