News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
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GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.