Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
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this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
we’re gonna need another temp
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month