too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
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Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.