I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
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ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Single and childfree like Jesus
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I have questions??
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2