I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
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Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
me
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Ion see the issue
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.