I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
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me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?