Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
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A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human