My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
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I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
This kid will have a bright future.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Breaking news:
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.