If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
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Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”