At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Nomnomnomnom
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
where do you see yourself in five years?