If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
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*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Meat Cute
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.