Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
You Might Also Like
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop