Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
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Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Oh. My. God.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*