Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
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There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.