Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
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[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Some people were born into their job.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂