[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
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I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?