How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl