Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
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Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”